We learn how kindly to speak to and treat ourselves by how kindly we were spoken to and treated as we grew up.

If there was little or no kindness directed at you during those formative years they can end up forming a template and foundation for how you treat yourself through life.

It can be a really hard habit to break.

It can feel so normal to criticise yourself. Deny yourself things that make you happy. Put yourself down in front of and to others. Doubt yourself. Gaslight yourself. Beat up on yourself openly AND quietly in your head.

Much as we'd all love to wave a magic wand and for everything to change overnight, it doesn't and is highly unlikely to do so.

We need to begin letting go of those behaviours.

We need gently to start changing those habits.

We need to be easy on ourselves when we notice we're being unkind, and gently shift our behaviour in the moment.

Over time, with patience, resilience, and gentle shifts, things will change.

One cannot expect to change years and years of self abuse and trauma in an instant. I know for myself how frustrated I would get with that... until I realised that was just another mechanism for self abuse.

When I notice myself being impatient now when I realise I'm repeating an old self abusive behaviour, I actually smile and say to myself "gotcha!". Happy I noticed this sneaky habit designed to keep me trapped in unhelpful habits.

You don't expect a child to learn to speak or walk overnight. You are patient, and kind, and supportive, and celebrate when they make a shift.

When shifting away from self abusive behaviours and patterns you are effectively teaching yourself to walk and talk self kindness from scratch. You may well stumble a lot at first. And you may get frustrated. And yet, each day, another gentle step. Another gentle shift. Until finally you are running along happily.

Just as adults who've been walking for years sometimes trip, stumble, or fall, there will likely still be times you trip up with self kindness. But now you know what to do.

Get up.

Brush yourself down.

Speak kindly to yourself.

And keep going.

How much more kind can you be to you today?